[ Caligi slows her stroll to end up next to him at his words and then she raises her brow and shrugs. It's not fully what she feels, she thinks, but it's close. And she realizes then that he's doing what she had before with hiding his own feelings on the matter behind sarcasm and jabs because her words make him uncomfortable.
There are three choices in front of her, she could take the bait and let him think she hasn't seen a crack in his mask or she could point it out and possibly lose another little glimpse at what actually bothers her so much about him. Or she could just tell him the truth, that she thinks he might be right. That one stuck out as the most dangerous to her.
She's not one to take the smart option often, really. So she tries to catch his eyes with hers and really hold his gaze while she says her next words. ]
You might be right, actually. I want to like you for some unfathomable reason but, you make me angry in a way that just makes me exhausted instead of thrilled. I just want to scream shut up a lot. I think I pity you, too. More now than before, really.
[ She speeds up her steps again, rubbing her hand through the hair at the back of her head and doesn't look back. She expects him to disappear, honestly. She certainly would try to. ]
But mostly I don't want to fight you because I don't think you want to fight me.
[ He's not sure what she's doing, slowing her pace to walk beside him. Emet-Selch looks over and down, masking his curiosity with a brow raise of disdain. As if to say "how dare you think you're good enough to walk alongside me?"
Before he can ask after the girl, she speaks. It's horribly honest, for her. Emet-Selch doesn't think that he's heard Cal ever really be vulnerable like that. She has him nearly speechless until, well. The girl dares to say she pities him. ]
You. Pity me. [ Offended. Hades is offended that someone who has such a pointless existence would think to feel sorry for him. ] I, who have known what true purpose is while you write around blindly to make ends meet?
Eh fuck it I'm not logging out into Cal just for this tag, straight to Zenos I go
[ Oh. He got angry instead. That really just tells her she's not wrong on how alike they may actually be after all. She doesn't stop walking, but she does turn around to walk backwards to at least face him while she talks. ]
Yes. The inferior ant pities the giant with the bountiful resources at his disposal. [ It's not meant to be mocking, it's just her acknowledging that he does know far more than she does. He likely always will. Will that stop her from feeling sorry for him? No. ] Why does it bother you that I feel sorry for you? Why does that make you angry of all things?
[ She tilts her head at him and only breaks her gaze to glance over her shoulder to make sure nothing is still in their way, before returning her red eyes back to him. She must be a sight, openly allowing herself to look exhausted and passive to a man who truly does make her want to tear her hair out by the fistful whenever they usually interact and calmly, eerily so, asking him why he's getting upset by the idea of someone, who he finds beneath him, pitying him.
Usually she'd be the one getting furious and it is bizarre not to be, but the more she thinks she understands about him and what sort of mask he wears, the more she's finding herself growing concerned of the similiar ways they react to things. ]
[ Why does it bother him? Why does it make him angry? It shouldn't. What these incomplete persons feel shouldn't matter to him. Their thoughts. Their opinions. Those shouldn't have any meaning to someone like him. There's simply no reason for it and that, within itself, is frustrating. How dare she...
How dare she. ]
You've not the right to look down upon me. None of you have an inkling of what has been lost. The enormity of it all.
[ Perhaps that is it. The fact that they don't know anything. That Cal, this girl, Her pawn in all of this... Knows nothing. Can't remember anything. It's infuriating that someone should look down on him.
Is that how she looks to other people? Is that how she looked after her first loss to Zenos, fuming and spitting fury at something that really was out of her control at the time?
Her shoulders sag and she stops her backwards stride to just stand before him. ]
Just because I pity you doesn't mean I automatically look down on you.
[ There is no small irony lost on her in the fact that she has to tell him this. ]
You're right though, you are better than me, but you must be so lonely and I'm sorry for that. I can pity you and acknowledge you're my better, Emet-Selch, they're not mutually exclusive.
I'm just starting to see the similarities between us and if I'm tearing myself apart over the what-ifs of my actions for one. I can only imagine that, you, who seems so concerned with the bigger picture, must be barely holding on at the seams.
[ She looks pained by the time she finished, because she's just making guesses and saying the things that come to her naturally. There's nothing calculated or measured. Just mild sorrow for him and she still doesn't fully understand why. ]
[ In truth, Hades is about to spit more venom. About to damn this truce and storm away, leaving this girl to wonder whether or not he is truly going to uphold it after all. But then she has the audacity to stand there and tell him that she agrees on some points. He is better. He is her better.
That they are similarities between them. She's actually thinking about him and trying to understand him personally. When had he allowed her to see that? When had she started to get so damn perceptive? Where had the great Emet-Selch miscalculated that this child could get under his skin and see into things that are better left alone? Better left unspoken. ]
You... You know nothing about me.
[ It's said with anger that he can't contain. Because he's torn, he really is. There had been something about this creature that he had just... Been holding out for. Holding onto. He doesn't know what it is, only that he remembers the sensation because Hades had felt it before while holding -
No. No he's not going back there. Not allowing for those sort of emotions to take root in his heart again. He'll only be disappointed. Emet-Selch always is. ]
Though if there is one thing that you are correct about it is that we may not be so different in our actions. In what we are willing to do.
[ His anger grows and she almost wants to hug him. It was never going to happen, but she can't deny the urge was there. She wanted to comfort him, but she knows from experience - from being the angry one, that comfort isn't the right thing in situations like this. Not when he clearly wants another reason to lash out because she thinks she understands him a little better. ]
Why are you so furious with me? Are you mad because I told you what I see from you've shown me? Is it because you're right, I don't know you, but I still see something to relate to in you?
[ Those are all such stupid questions to ask, but she is genuinely curious. In for a gil, she supposed. She stays calm in his storm of anger and there's honestly something familiar about it. Like most things about him. Familiar, but terribly wrong.
She's so tired and honestly, she wonders if she should make him angry enough to spit words he likely doesn't mean and leave or if she should just stop bothering poking at cracks to see what really lays behind that mask she hates and just let him calm down so they can walk the rest of the way to the city in silence.
Or she could ask him the question that just hit her. It was absolutely the stupidest question yet that she's had for him. And she thinks she'll need to pray to Rhalgr that he does not come at her swinging for it. ]
Are you angry because you want to like me for some unfathomable reason?
[ She tries to look apologetic that she has to even ask this of him.
Though, she admittedly finds some comfort in the fact that she's gotten under his skin with her honesty, very satisfying. That she knows enough to at least see the cracks and let him be the one wanting to throw a fit. When she has slept, this will be her sole comfort that came from this whole exchange - she will do them both a favor and pretend that it never happened.
That she wasn't vulnerable and open, that she didn't blatantly tell him that she can see the similarities between them and that he is better than her. That she thinks she wants to like him even though he makes her want to punch him in the face any time he opens his stupidly smug mouth. That she pities him.
There are a great many things about this whole exchange Caligi will pretend never happened and she hopes he follows her lead should he feel gracious enough after her questions she's put him through.
Caligi feels awkward standing there, just watching him fume and maybe -- maybe it might be better if she didn't get those questions answered. For both of them, in the long run. She pinches her brows together and barely nods to herself. ]
Actually, don't answer any of those. I don't want to know any more. [ Liar. ] I overstepped, you're absolutely right. I don't know you and don't have the right to ask you these things. I'm not going to apologize, empty apologies are worth nothing, but you don't owe me any answer in any case.
[ She turns around, but does not start walking just yet. There's a piece of her that wonders if he's going to react to her stopping her questioning with more anger. There's a piece of her that would be furious with being denied the chance to tell the other party how wrong they were - even if they weren't, but this is one time where she hopes they do manage to differ on things like that. ]
[ It does feel awfully familiar, the way the girl seems to know just what pieces to pick at. There are hints. Clues as to why that is. Hades chooses to ignore them. Claim ignorance even if it is horribly plain to see. Perhaps that is why it gets under his skin so. Why it makes him angry and ache. There is that void within him that has been eating at him from the inside out for too long. Bereft of the companionship that he had in the days where he had been considered young or in his prime.
She would have done things like this. Then they would have argued and Hythlodaeus would have -
Would have but no longer can because of Her. Venat. Hydaelyn. The longer She plays this game and sends champions, the longer it will take to have what he has lost returned to him. It's upsetting, truly. Vexing, absolutely. No apologies offered can soothe that loss nor that ache. He would love to lash out and put it out there as plain as day, but he doesn't. No, it isn't the time. None of them remember so it wouldn't have any meaning.
But that, maybe, is what he keeps hoping for. That a sliver of those that he once loved could remain in that which is present in the now. A false hope that keeps beating him down.
He bites his tongue. Doesn't speak. Nothing productive or helpful would come out of it at the moment. So instead he stands. He won't disappear, but he's likely not going to follow any longer. Just allow the girl to walk of and he can stand there, ruminating and boiling in his thoughts and emotions. ]
[ There is one thing she thinks she needs to say before she begins walking away from this mess. So with her back straight and voice painfully open with grief she doesn't fully understand, she says: ]
Thank you for listening and I do hope you enjoy your cookie, whatever to choose to with it in the end. I made it myself. But... Be kinder to yourself, Emet-Selch. Shutting people out is easier, but not worth it in the end. I should know at least that much.
[ That's it, isn't it? That's all she really thinks she had left to say to him for now. She begins to walk away from him, careful steps and they become more confident when she feels exactly that in her own last words to him for the moment.
It's not a satisfying ending for her, but she didn't think there would be one when faced with him in the first place. She does -- she thinks she does, at least -- understand him a little better. Though how much of it she will think about later, well, that would depend on how much time she has to herself after it. ]
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no subject
There are three choices in front of her, she could take the bait and let him think she hasn't seen a crack in his mask or she could point it out and possibly lose another little glimpse at what actually bothers her so much about him. Or she could just tell him the truth, that she thinks he might be right. That one stuck out as the most dangerous to her.
She's not one to take the smart option often, really. So she tries to catch his eyes with hers and really hold his gaze while she says her next words. ]
You might be right, actually. I want to like you for some unfathomable reason but, you make me angry in a way that just makes me exhausted instead of thrilled. I just want to scream shut up a lot. I think I pity you, too. More now than before, really.
[ She speeds up her steps again, rubbing her hand through the hair at the back of her head and doesn't look back. She expects him to disappear, honestly. She certainly would try to. ]
But mostly I don't want to fight you because I don't think you want to fight me.
no subject
Before he can ask after the girl, she speaks. It's horribly honest, for her. Emet-Selch doesn't think that he's heard Cal ever really be vulnerable like that. She has him nearly speechless until, well. The girl dares to say she pities him. ]
You. Pity me. [ Offended. Hades is offended that someone who has such a pointless existence would think to feel sorry for him. ] I, who have known what true purpose is while you write around blindly to make ends meet?
Eh fuck it I'm not logging out into Cal just for this tag, straight to Zenos I go
Yes. The inferior ant pities the giant with the bountiful resources at his disposal. [ It's not meant to be mocking, it's just her acknowledging that he does know far more than she does. He likely always will. Will that stop her from feeling sorry for him? No. ] Why does it bother you that I feel sorry for you? Why does that make you angry of all things?
[ She tilts her head at him and only breaks her gaze to glance over her shoulder to make sure nothing is still in their way, before returning her red eyes back to him. She must be a sight, openly allowing herself to look exhausted and passive to a man who truly does make her want to tear her hair out by the fistful whenever they usually interact and calmly, eerily so, asking him why he's getting upset by the idea of someone, who he finds beneath him, pitying him.
Usually she'd be the one getting furious and it is bizarre not to be, but the more she thinks she understands about him and what sort of mask he wears, the more she's finding herself growing concerned of the similiar ways they react to things. ]
lmfao i'm just slowly getting around
How dare she. ]
You've not the right to look down upon me. None of you have an inkling of what has been lost. The enormity of it all.
[ Perhaps that is it. The fact that they don't know anything. That Cal, this girl, Her pawn in all of this... Knows nothing. Can't remember anything. It's infuriating that someone should look down on him.
Mock him. ]
Same man same
Is that how she looks to other people? Is that how she looked after her first loss to Zenos, fuming and spitting fury at something that really was out of her control at the time?
Her shoulders sag and she stops her backwards stride to just stand before him. ]
Just because I pity you doesn't mean I automatically look down on you.
[ There is no small irony lost on her in the fact that she has to tell him this. ]
You're right though, you are better than me, but you must be so lonely and I'm sorry for that. I can pity you and acknowledge you're my better, Emet-Selch, they're not mutually exclusive.
I'm just starting to see the similarities between us and if I'm tearing myself apart over the what-ifs of my actions for one. I can only imagine that, you, who seems so concerned with the bigger picture, must be barely holding on at the seams.
[ She looks pained by the time she finished, because she's just making guesses and saying the things that come to her naturally. There's nothing calculated or measured. Just mild sorrow for him and she still doesn't fully understand why. ]
no subject
That they are similarities between them. She's actually thinking about him and trying to understand him personally. When had he allowed her to see that? When had she started to get so damn perceptive? Where had the great Emet-Selch miscalculated that this child could get under his skin and see into things that are better left alone? Better left unspoken. ]
You... You know nothing about me.
[ It's said with anger that he can't contain. Because he's torn, he really is. There had been something about this creature that he had just... Been holding out for. Holding onto. He doesn't know what it is, only that he remembers the sensation because Hades had felt it before while holding -
No. No he's not going back there. Not allowing for those sort of emotions to take root in his heart again. He'll only be disappointed. Emet-Selch always is. ]
Though if there is one thing that you are correct about it is that we may not be so different in our actions. In what we are willing to do.
no subject
Why are you so furious with me? Are you mad because I told you what I see from you've shown me? Is it because you're right, I don't know you, but I still see something to relate to in you?
[ Those are all such stupid questions to ask, but she is genuinely curious. In for a gil, she supposed. She stays calm in his storm of anger and there's honestly something familiar about it. Like most things about him. Familiar, but terribly wrong.
She's so tired and honestly, she wonders if she should make him angry enough to spit words he likely doesn't mean and leave or if she should just stop bothering poking at cracks to see what really lays behind that mask she hates and just let him calm down so they can walk the rest of the way to the city in silence.
Or she could ask him the question that just hit her. It was absolutely the stupidest question yet that she's had for him. And she thinks she'll need to pray to Rhalgr that he does not come at her swinging for it. ]
Are you angry because you want to like me for some unfathomable reason?
[ She tries to look apologetic that she has to even ask this of him.
Though, she admittedly finds some comfort in the fact that she's gotten under his skin with her honesty, very satisfying. That she knows enough to at least see the cracks and let him be the one wanting to throw a fit. When she has slept, this will be her sole comfort that came from this whole exchange - she will do them both a favor and pretend that it never happened.
That she wasn't vulnerable and open, that she didn't blatantly tell him that she can see the similarities between them and that he is better than her. That she thinks she wants to like him even though he makes her want to punch him in the face any time he opens his stupidly smug mouth. That she pities him.
There are a great many things about this whole exchange Caligi will pretend never happened and she hopes he follows her lead should he feel gracious enough after her questions she's put him through.
Caligi feels awkward standing there, just watching him fume and maybe -- maybe it might be better if she didn't get those questions answered. For both of them, in the long run. She pinches her brows together and barely nods to herself. ]
Actually, don't answer any of those. I don't want to know any more. [ Liar. ] I overstepped, you're absolutely right. I don't know you and don't have the right to ask you these things. I'm not going to apologize, empty apologies are worth nothing, but you don't owe me any answer in any case.
[ She turns around, but does not start walking just yet. There's a piece of her that wonders if he's going to react to her stopping her questioning with more anger. There's a piece of her that would be furious with being denied the chance to tell the other party how wrong they were - even if they weren't, but this is one time where she hopes they do manage to differ on things like that. ]
no subject
She would have done things like this. Then they would have argued and Hythlodaeus would have -
Would have but no longer can because of Her. Venat. Hydaelyn. The longer She plays this game and sends champions, the longer it will take to have what he has lost returned to him. It's upsetting, truly. Vexing, absolutely. No apologies offered can soothe that loss nor that ache. He would love to lash out and put it out there as plain as day, but he doesn't. No, it isn't the time. None of them remember so it wouldn't have any meaning.
But that, maybe, is what he keeps hoping for. That a sliver of those that he once loved could remain in that which is present in the now. A false hope that keeps beating him down.
He bites his tongue. Doesn't speak. Nothing productive or helpful would come out of it at the moment. So instead he stands. He won't disappear, but he's likely not going to follow any longer. Just allow the girl to walk of and he can stand there, ruminating and boiling in his thoughts and emotions. ]
no subject
Thank you for listening and I do hope you enjoy your cookie, whatever to choose to with it in the end. I made it myself. But... Be kinder to yourself, Emet-Selch. Shutting people out is easier, but not worth it in the end. I should know at least that much.
[ That's it, isn't it? That's all she really thinks she had left to say to him for now. She begins to walk away from him, careful steps and they become more confident when she feels exactly that in her own last words to him for the moment.
It's not a satisfying ending for her, but she didn't think there would be one when faced with him in the first place. She does -- she thinks she does, at least -- understand him a little better. Though how much of it she will think about later, well, that would depend on how much time she has to herself after it. ]